she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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