...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
