Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
