Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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