Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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