I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Who died my cat blue again?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
