im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
