I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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