tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
