While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
