I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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