I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
