my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
