That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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