I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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