Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and she was petting her beer can
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
