i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
