i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
