I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
