tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
