Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
