made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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