i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
