it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
