two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
