If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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