and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
