I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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