I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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