oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can you bring me the toilet please
did you just send me my own nude
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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