Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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