Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
