he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
