help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
