I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
