The maid of honor just puked.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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