thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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