My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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