After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
