You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
