i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
