They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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