I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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