I wish I could punch you in the face.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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