dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
