I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Vodka?
Forever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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