I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I will pee on everything he values.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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