I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
