I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
