Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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